Finding Fulfillment - The Great SAHM Journal

[WetT-Shirt]

Oh man, I can relate to the better with infants thing.  I have a really hard time dealing with being completely irational (the kids I mean).  I always try to get them to calm down and think rationally and they just can't (being toddlers and all )  I know it doesn't work, but in the midst of the drama I either go inthat direction or *I* get frustrated and start having my own temper tantrum.    I'm disheartened to hear it doesn't end any time soon

Good luck with Max's potty training.  I'm sorry you're frustrated, it's got to be really hard to deal with.

We had a really good weekend.  Aaron gave me some alone time on Saturday by taking the kids to the gym.  I got lots of cleaning done and relaxed.  It was nice.

Yesterday we went to Disney on Ice and it was a blast.  The kids had a ball, hell we all did.

Emma's here today.  I hate that I dread the days she comes over.  I really can't wait until school is done so I don't have to watch her anymore.   I feel horrible saying that, but she just adds so much more drama to our days.

[MamaX]

I am so glad you all had fun at the Disney on Ice!  It is great that Aaron took the kids for a while on Saturday, too.

Today was not at all what I planned.  It started fine - got Alexander to school without incident , came home and had a good workout.  Then the phone calls started.  5 phone calls about completely different things that had me all tied up.  By the time I was done it was almost noon and we still had to get to the grocery store, have lunch, etc.

Then my mom called and saved me -- she wanted to come over so that I could take her to get her car.  She decided to come at 2 so that I could do the shopping by myself which was great.  Max and I had some nice quality time before she came.

I am behind now - should be doing Alexander's homework with him so I have to get going.

I did have a nice thing happen today.  I had given one of the moms in Alexander's class some links to some Walks for Colon Cancer.  She lost her brother over Christmas and he was only 45    She had not told anyone about it at school yet and we struck up a conversation at the Tastefully Simple gathering that I attended.  She wanted to know how to find a walk and had remembered that I did the 3 Day for Breast Cancer.  That night I did some googling, sent her links.  Today she e-mailed me thanking me because she and her 5th grade son are going to do the NYC Colon Cancer walk this weekend and her son has raised a bunch of money for it already. She said that my sending her the info made it really easy to take it to the next step and well, it made me feel good about myself.  So today I found a little fulfillment. 

OK gotta go!

[WetT-Shirt]

Today was a good day.  Emma wasn't overwhelming at all.  She was very sweet.  Parker was in 2 timeouts for small infractions and actually stayed put while in time out.  He also said "sorry" after the time out, so I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ahhh.  Brooke and I visited the preschool I thought she'd be going to this Fall. Meh, I wasn't overly impressed.  The teacher was nice, the room was a bit too play-based for me.  It seriously looked just like my basement.  The walls lined with plastic toys.  She has that at home.  I'm going to go to the other preschool that was recommended to me on Thursday.  I hope it's everything and more than I heard it was.

I made an appt to have my IUD removed.  I really think it's causing my hormone levels to be crazy and my weight to be stuck.  I'm not having it removed until mid April, I'm really hoping Aaron is safe by then, we're not so good with condoms.

I have a phone interview with that wedding consulting firm tomorrow!!  They called today, we'll see.  I have a lot of questions about their pay structure, assuming it's commision based.

Have a good evening!  I'm glad you found some fulfillment today!!  That's great news.

[MamaX]

March 14.  I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted here!  Things are going ok - my anxiety is calming down a bit.  Certain things can and do set it off and I just talk myself down as best as I can. 

Max and I went to the Y yesterday and he did fine.  I do have a list that runs through my head all the time of the stuff that worries me about him and/or Alexander and our family in general.  I seem to focus on the bad all the time.  It sucks.  Max and I are going to meet his pre-K teacher tomorrow morning and I am a little nervous.  He is unpredictable - if he is in a good mood and feels like being charming, it is beyond awesome!  If not, though, it truly sucks.  So it will be what it will be.    I know the teacher - she taught Alexander so at least I know what to expect from her. 

Alexander has an eye doctor appointment after school  -- the school nurse did eye tests and his results showed some potential issues.  He has been squinting lately so I am sure he will need glasses.  Another expense.  Oy!  And I am worried he will not take very good care of the glasses.  I just worry all the freaking time.

The more time Max and I spend together the clingier he gets with me.  It is frustrating.  I love him to pieces and love being with him.  But man, he was sooooo good with bedtime and now, since the time change, he wants  me with him all the time - I feel done at night, you know?

So, all in all, things are ok, I just need to try to be more positive and probably still should go talk with my therapist.

[MamaX]

March 17

Max and I visited his Pre-K on Thursday and thankfully it went well.  I am really nervous about his not being able to write his name yet and not having much experience using scissors.  It would not be a big deal really except that he has 0 interest in doing these things.  It is a struggle.  I am trying to find a way to engage him in this so that he likes doing it.  I don't want to resort to using the sticker chart as motivation because I think I have overused it and now it is backfiring and he only seems to want to do something if a sticker is involved.  *sigh*

I am feeling guilty right now because I should be playing with the boys and I am really really beat.  Jim is at a party and I should be using this time to do something fun with the kids and I just want to veg out. 

[WetT-Shirt]

March 19th

Wow, I have been neglecting our journal.   I really don't have a ton to add.  The kids have been pretty good.  Brooke is going through a very dramatic phase lately, when in the right frame of mind I handle it really well.  It's only when I'm in a crappy mood that I just kind of lose it.  I think being sick last week just made me not care about anything.

I registered Brooke for preschool.  It felt very strange, like it's just too soon, but I know it's time.

Does Max *have* to be able to write his name for a pre-K class?

[MamaX]

March 19

Well, if he goes to pre-K not able to write his name at all, they will end up speaking to me about it - just like they did when Alexander went to Pre-K not able to use scissors.

I am starting slowly with Max and just had some coloring time with him today.  He is very perfectionistic about his work, yikes.  He wanted me to draw train tracks so I did the outline but wanted him to make the little lines in between - I showed him how and he did it on his own but was very deliberate and wrote very softly -- and got really frustrated when lines did not connect properly. 
 
Yikes.

I am glad you are feeling better.  I had a good day today (so far) - things went smoothly and my mom was here this morning to get her car and offered to stay with Max while I grocery shopped.  I missed his company but it was nice to get the shopping done in half the time, that's for sure!!

[WetT-Shirt]

You seem to be really enjoying your time at home now.   You'll stil have down days, I have atleast 1-2 a week.

I'm bummed.  I had to cancel my interview because of Aaron's work schedule.  Things are crazy for him right now and it's just making it impossible for me to schedule anything after his work hours.

What I'm bummed about is that fact that it just isn't about me right now.  It's about the kids and his job.  I told him last night that I need to hear from him how much he appreciates what I do.  The fact that we don't have to split reponsibilities in the house.  That he never has to grocery shop or do laundry or clean toilets or organize the kitchen or the kids toys, etc. etc. etc.

He, of course, said he does, I guess I just need to hear it more often.  I need to know that what I'm doing for EVERYONE but myself is appreciated and respected.

[MamaX]

Hi Lisa..

I am so sad to read about the interview and that you cannot do this job right now.   I was really looking forward to it FOR you, so I can only imagine how sad you must be feeling. 

You are very right about words of affirmation (I am almost done reading The Five Love Languages, lol!).  It is really important.  Outside work gave me regular performace appraisals, words like "Well done, Tricia or Nice presentation" went a long way.   Raises and bonuses also give us that reassurance we need that we are doing well.  Children hear our words of praise all day long.  So where is mom's praise? 

My husband seems relieved right now that I am not having more anxiety attacks but we are in a weird place.  I am doing well with the kids but now my marriage is off.  I cannot pinpoint it - we are just in our own worlds and right now, neither one of us seems interested in each others' stuff, you know?  He got annoyed with me this morning because of leftovers.  I made a dish involving beef on Monday and there is plenty leftover.  He did not want to take it for lunch and we figured we could eat it for dinner tonight but now I am thinking it has been too long and am worried about it and he is all rollyeyed at me.  I think he can just eat it.  I hate when he gets that way.  Cooking is new for me - I never really did it much before - he did more of it.  I am not used to it yet and I don't care for it much.  I cook for the two of us as the boys are superpicky - so I am making several meals each night.  I get the timing off and we cannot always eat together.

Sorry - I guess I should just embrace the cooking as my new challenge but truth is, I'd be just as happy with a bowl of Total at night.  So it is hard for me to be motivated about it.

I need to get some sort of project done today.  I think I will tackle Max's closet.  I have spin at 12:30 which is oh-so-inconvenient but I really want to get Max to the Tot Drop - he is doing so much better with it and I do not want to lose momentum.    We also need to hit the library and CVS.  I am happy that Max loves doing errands with me.  It helps tremendously.

Sorry - I am really chatty this a.m!

my friend - I really hope we can meet in person one day.  I know we'd have a blast.

[WetT-Shirt]

Yes, we would!!!  I hope so too.

As for the cooking.  Here's a bit of advice.  Dinner DOES NOT need to be a 3 course meal.  Even if that's the way your husband eats, it just isn't necessary.  Make simple meals.  Have a soup and sandwich night.  Do crockpot meals or one dish meals.  Find a rotation of easy things that works for ALL of you.  My kids are super picky as well.  I make them a snack plate around 4pm that includes a carb, a protein, a dairy and a fruit.  That way when we sit down to dinner as a family, if they don't eat a ton, I'm okay with it.  My other rule is that they have to atleast taste what is on their plates or they can't get down.  It's the only way I have found that Brooke will learn to try new things.  Last night I did pork loin chops.  I cut it up, told her it was chicken and she loved it.  Anyway, it's taken me a while to learn the cooking thing.  I used always think I had to make these elaborate meals and I just don't have time or energy for it anymore, even though I really enjoy cooking.

As for the job thing.  After I left my message with her, she called back (I was upstairs with the kids) so she left a message saying to not give up on this, to call her and we will reschedule, she's very interested in talking with me, etc. etc.  I think i'll call her and tell her that until this promotion thing with Aaron is settled, this needs to be on the back burner.  If she still wants me, she'll wait.

I am a true believer that things happen for the best or atleast for some good reason.  What's meant to be, will be.

Thanks for your support and kind words.  You're a good friend.

[WetT-Shirt]

Wanted to add:

I'm glad you're reading that book.  See if your dh will read it as well.  Aaron and I go through phases like you described.  Sometimes we're super close and all romantical (Monsters Inc) and sometimes we're just going through the motions.  Sounds like you might need a night out or something.  One of my favorite "date" nights is when I plan a romantic meal with candlelight.  I put the kids down at or before normal bedtime and then pretend we're out on the town together.  It's nice.  We catch up and it doesn't cost us a dime.

[WetT-Shirt]

March 23rd.

WOW.  What a day.  I just have to get this off my chest and in writing.  I can NOT describe how proud I am of Aaron.  He's only 35 years old.  He's one of the youngest Managers at his level to hold this position.  He's always been a good account manager/sales person, but I knew he'd flourish as a Manager of a sales team.  He's the most loyal, ethical, honest, dependable person I have EVER known.  He has interviewed for so many positions, I guess was just his time. 

Life just changed for us.  Some of it is great and some of it will be difficult.  I know he'll be working more hours, I know he'll have to travel a couple of times a year.  That will be hard.  The great part is that I know he will LOVE his job.  I know he'll still have rough days, but all in all I know he will really love what he's doing.  That's HUGE.  The money will be great.  It's going to be about a 50% increase in our income.  That takes so much stress off of us.  Sigh.  I'm just so proud of him.

Thanks for listening to me.  I just needed to get this out somewhere.

[MamaX]

Lisa - what a great note!  I am proud of Aaron, too - and really proud of you.  You are an amazing woman, truly amazing.  I think it is going to be a great time in both of your lives.   

[MamaX]

March 27

I need to have more of a schedule - I am not making the most out of the days and my post about being overwhelmed sort of says it all.  I need to be doing more with Max.  And with Alexander.

The day (Tuesday) will look something like this...

6:30 - 9:00 - Before school routine (we have this down) - need to get Max to take off his own pjs
9:00 - 9:45 - Free Play for Max, Coffee/Computer/Phone time for me
9:45 - 10:15 - Craft/Coloring/Writing with Max
10:15 - 11:00 - House chores for me, free play for Max
11:00 - 12:00 - Snack for Max, reading time, outdoor play
12:00 - 1:30 - Y (Spin class for me)
1:30 - 2:00 - Lunch prep and eating time
2:00 - 2:30 - Free Time for both of us
2:30- 3:00 - outside play
3:00 - 4:15- school pick up, playground
4:15 - 4:45 - snack/free time
4:45 - 5:15 - homework and reading with Alexander
5:15 - 6:00 - dinner prep, tidy up, free time
6:00 - 7:00 - daddy time, dinner time
7:00- 7:45 - PJs, family game night
7:45 - 8:00 - wind down
8:00 - Bedtime routine for the boys

[MamaX]

Well today was ok - better. I got breakfast to the boys earlier by 5 minutes and it made a huge difference.  I did, however, spend an abnormal amount of time on the phone with my sister this morning and it cut into my time with Max.  But we did get some coloring in - at the expense of morning outdoor play.  He did great at the Y.  After school all was well until I ran behind again with homework - we did not get started until 5ish.  Then I had to give the boys a bath.  Dinner time was trying - both boys were not hungry and Alexander got upset about a balloon.  We had not had time to practice reading so that cut into family game time so that was postponed.  All in all, though, there were positives.

POSITIVES

Max got undressed by himself and pulled his pants up himself.  Also took his coat off by himself.
No peeing accidents for Max today.
Max colored a bit and made a picture.  Also made a letter M.
Both boys got lots of fresh air after school.
Max did great at the Y and had an awesome healthy lunch.
Alexander did great with his homework and needed less direction.  He did well with his reading as well.
Both boys had a good bedtime.